


Something I Can Never Have

by PipeDreams



Series: NIN Verse [1]
Category: Adam Lambert (Musician), Tommy Ratliff (Musician)
Genre: Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-10-27
Updated: 2010-10-27
Packaged: 2017-10-12 22:07:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,229
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/129627
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PipeDreams/pseuds/PipeDreams
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tommy wants something that he can never have. Adam Lambert.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Something I Can Never Have

  
  
_I still recall the taste of your tears. _   
  
_Echoing your voice just like the ringing in my ears.  
My favorite dreams of you still wash ashore.  
Scraping through my head 'till I don't want to sleep anymore._   
  
  
  


Tommy looked at the tableau across him and flinched inwardly. Adam was kissing Taylor softly on the lips. Lately, it was all Adam ever did when they were in private. Of course, nothing was really private where Adam was concerned. He looked around and saw that the fans had managed to track them once again and wondered briefly where they had gotten their information from. It was only ten minutes ago that Adam had dragged everyone to the club. He looked at Adam and doubted the guy knew of the presence of the fans. That was until Adam stood on the cushioned chairs, dragging Taylor along with him, kissing him in full view of everyone present at the club. He saw Adam’s almost rebellious stance as he licked Taylor’s cheek, his gaze flickering in the direction of the fans. So Adam knew and now he wanted the fans to know too. Tommy felt his heart breaking a little more.

\---

“Hey Tommy, how many have you had to drink man?” Neil whispered in his ear as Tommy folded himself around Neil. Tommy was like an octopus when drunk. His arms held Neil tightly. One of his legs had managed to wrap itself around Neil’s hip.

“W-what?” Tommy blinked up at Neil. “No…” He mumbled unintelligibly into Neil’s shoulder.

“No what Tommy?” Neil asked.

Tommy stayed silent, clutching Neil’s shirt tightly.

Neil sighed, rubbing Tommy’s back soothingly. “This has to stop you know,” he said softly. “You will have to tell him one day.”

Tommy jerked back, looking up at Neil. His cloudy eyes clearing for that one moment. “W-what do y-you mean? I have no idea what you are t-talking about.” He pulled away from Neil, heart beating fast in fear.

“Hey hey…” Neil looked down at Tommy and Tommy could see the pity in his eyes. He did not want anybody’s pity. He pushed at Neil’s chest ineffectually.

“Tommy.” Neil said sternly. “Look at me.”

Tommy sighed. Neil was not going to let him go till he said his piece. In that aspect, he was the same as Adam. Both brothers are stubborn asses in wanting to get their own way. He looked up and this time he saw concern reflected in Neil’s eyes.

“I won’t tell him. But one day you will have to. It’s killing you and you don’t even realise it.”

Tommy did not ask how Neil knew.

\---

 _You always were the one to show me how _   
  
_Back then I couldn't do the things that I can do now.  
This thing is slowly taking me apart.  
Grey would be the color if I had a heart._   
  


It was only on stage that Tommy could be himself. It was only on stage that he could bask in the attentions that Adam had gifted on him. It was only on stage that he could pretend that they were meant to be as Adam kissed him none too gently to the cheers of the fans. It was only on stage that Adam belonged to him and no else as he leaned into Adam’s kiss, wishing it could be prolonged.

As the final encore finally played out and Adam thanked the fans, Tommy crashed down to earth. It was over. As it was every single time. Adam brought him to the highest of highs with every concert performance and when it all ended, Tommy was brought back to reality. He watched as Taylor approached Adam backstage, giving Adam a brief hug. He watched as Adam pulled Taylor closer, kissing him gently on the lips. And he continued to watch as both left, not noticing him watching them intently, his hands clenched tightly by his sides. It should have been him by Adam’s side. Regret was a miserable companion but it was the only companion Tommy had since Adam and Taylor had gotten together.

\---

 _In this place it seems like such a shame. _   
  
_Though it all looks different now,  
I know it's still the same  
Everywhere I look you're all I see.  
Just a fading fucking reminder of who I used to be._   
  


Seven months ago…

One moment they were talking and the next Adam was pressing him into the railing as he kissed Tommy softly on the lips. And for a few moments Tommy responded, reveling in the warmth that was Adam. His tongue lightly touched Adam’s and as their tongues continued to play against each other, someone moaned. A few seconds later, Tommy realised that someone was him. Adam pressed closer and Tommy could feel the foreign hardness against his stomach. He pushed Adam away in panic, not realising that his eyes had widened in horror and despair. 

“I a-am straight man.” Tommy said. 

Adam did not say anything. He just nodded and walked away, leaving Tommy staring at his tensed back. He never looked back.

Later that night, Tommy had searched out for Adam, wanting to explain, apologise… He found Adam in the mini-bar chatting with Taylor. He was about to make his presence known when he saw Taylor leaning in towards Adam. Adam laid his head on Taylor’s shoulder and Tommy continued to stay in the shadows, unable to move. 

Tommy never said what he wanted to say to Adam that night. Perhaps he should have. 

\---

 _You make this all go away. _   
  
_You make this all go away.  
I'm down to just one thing.  
And I'm starting to scare myself.  
You make this all go away.  
You make this all go away.  
I just want something.  
I just want something I can never have_   
  


Tommy startled as Adam pulled him into a side hug. “Hey Tommy, we missed you last night.”

“Yea. I was tired.” Tommy looked straight ahead as he tried not to lean into Adam’s side.

“Tonight then after the concert?” Adam asked him.

Tommy looked into Adam’s eyes then and sighed inwardly. He could never say no to Adam. Not when Adam looked at him like that. Like he was the most important person in the world to Adam. Tommy nodded reluctantly.

“Okay great! Let’s party tonight yea.” Adam grinned at him, squeezing him tightly before letting him go.

Tommy watched as Adam walked away from him, reaching Taylor’s side, Taylor who was looking at them intently. He watched as Adam greeted Taylor with a kiss. He continued to watch as Taylor laid his hand gently on Adam’s cheek. It was obvious that they both cared deeply for one another.

Tommy turned his back on them and walked away quickly, almost bumping into Neil.

“You okay Tommy?” Neil asked. It was funny how Neil was one of the closest persons to him right now. Sarcastic, snarky Neil had a softer side. Who knew?

Tommy thought for a few moments before answering that question. He thought of how he would turn up at whichever club Adam chose to grace his presence with. He thought of how he would watch Adam and Taylor make out and dance all night. He thought of how his heart would break yet again. He thought of how ridiculously happy Adam would look.

“I will be.”

 _I just want something I can never have._

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> This fic was partly inspired by Nine Inch Nails' haunting song 'Something I Can Never Have'.


End file.
